Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Mission Calls to Ukraine Still Inspired


SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH — In the midst of the growing crisis between Ukraine and Russia, top leaders for and the missionary department of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have changed the mission calls for dozens of elders and sisters from Ukraine to other locations.  "It was an inspired decision," reported Church spokesman Brigham Y. Pratt.  "Our dedicated missionaries need to be kept safe from the unpredictable wiles of the world, and the decision to transfer them from Ukraine to other missions came from God after much deliberation in the upper room of the Salt Lake Temple."  When asked about the original revelation to send them to Ukraine, Pratt declined to comment but instead referred reporters to a 2010 priesthood session talk by Elder Ronald A. Rasband of the Seventy.

All questions were referred to the Church’s only token spokeswoman, who normally only signs documents being sent by the Brethren to the Ordain Women movement.

The above article is satire; most or all of the events and quotations are fictitious.

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The Mormon Examiner
Title:  Mission Calls to Ukraine Still Inspired
Author:  Austin Skousen
Section:  Beehive Comedy Vault
Originally Published:  Monday, August 19th, 2014
Last Updated: September 11th, 2014
Source:  mormonexaminer.blogspot.com

Monday, August 18, 2014

Church Bans Multi-Level Marketing Schemes


SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH — Multi-level marketing schemes have been banned by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, according to a statement Friday evening by Church spokesman F. Moroni McConkie.  "The questionable ethics of MLMs have been discussed by the Brethren for some time," McConkie stated, "causing them to finally decide that we as Latter-day Saints should rid ourselves of involvement."

The decision handed down Friday caused quite a stir by Utah Mormons who, by nature, love to buzz about with book clubs; painted quotes and metal stars on the walls of their suburban homes; and initiate others into so-called "pyramid schemes" that offer a myriad of creams, ointments, protein powders, and energy drinks.

Utah County in particular has been affected, with stake president Stewart F. Hughes contemplating how to manage his position as founder, president, and CEO of Unicity International of Orem, a multi-level marketing organization hugely popular in Asia, and as stake president of the Orem Utah Windsor Stake.

"I'm not sure why our church is telling us not to be involved with MLMs," said Becky Christiansen of Ogden.  "It's hard enough to pay tithing and get all the kids ready for church on Sunday, let alone be micromanaged by the old men at the Salt Lake skyscraper."  Christiansen is being investigated by the LDS Church's strengthening church members committee for her recent outcries and choice of wording on social media.

More information will be posted as it is made available.

The above article is satire; most or all of the events and quotations are fictitious.

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The Mormon Examiner
Title:  Church Bans Multi-Level Marketing Schemes
Author:  Austin Skousen
Section:  Beehive Comedy Vault
Originally Published:  Monday, August 19th, 2014
Last Updated:  Thursday, September 11th, 2014
Source:  mormonexaminer.blogspot.com

The Ministry of Angels



On a winter night in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin, my missionary companion and I were driving home from a long day of work.  Suddenly Taira decided to take a right turn into a grocery store parking lot where we would normally park to visit a family in a nearby apartment.  Upset that he decided to continue working when I was very tired due to some feeling he had, we got out and began walking to their apartment.  We never made it to their apartment because, along the way, we found a man crying in the snow.  His girlfriend had just broken up with him and he was hysterical.  We spent 20 minutes comforting him and then we went home.

I had just witnessed the fingerprints of God.  This experience was a testament that God cares about us.  That somewhere in the lawn of some low-income housing complex in the starry night of Beaver Dam, Wisconsin, a man experiencing real pain reached out to God in distress and God answered.  The ministry of angels dispatched us to his location, where we unknowingly delivered a message of comfort from God to a man who needed it just then, in a language the man could understand:  English.

God cares about us and commissions his helpers both seen and unseen to touch and speak to those who are alone in the tumult of this world.  He cares about you and your seemingly minute problems.  He doesn't just care about the high and the mighty but, during his life, Jesus championed the peasant class.  He recognized value in all who have a human brain:  decrepit or whole, young or old, rich or poor, churchgoing or nonreligious, sinful or abiding, Jew or Gentile, peasant or prince, dead or alive.


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The Mormon Examiner
Title:  The Ministry of Angels
Author:  Austin Skousen
Section:  Manna Inspiration Chest
Originally Published:  Monday, August 19th, 2014
Last Updated:  Thursday, September 11th, 2014
Source:  mormonexaminer.blogspot.com

First Place Honor is No Honor



First place honor is no honor.  The honor is found in he or she who tries.  God loves tryers, people who get back on their horse and ride back to their personal battlefield, people who fall and fail over and over again.  Those who finish, especially last, impress God.  The real honor is found in tryers and those near the back like single mothers and the suicidal, who are bruised and wounded and struggling.  This is where Jesus is, walking among the sick and they who need a physician, not in the houses on the hill.  I saw Jesus in the ghettos of Milwaukee, by the sick in hospitals aside their tubes and excretion bags, and next to the heartbroken and the lost.

I have been in second or last place in nearly every accolade of my life and so I can relate to you and your perceived failures.  My little league baseball team got second place, I failed class after class in middle and high school even though I tried really hard, I am a Life Scout for life, I quit job after job, my high school class graduated without me, I almost quit the first week of my mission and struggled to stay, my business ideas failed or never panned out.  These were made worse by people close to my life who magnified my failures and shortcomings and stood on me as I seizured in the mud.

But among these failures and shortcomings, I witnessed firsthand that true honor is not with the first place finisher, but with the last place tryer and all the average joes and janes in between who don’t give up.  Honor lies between the cuts and the callus, among the B students and the bravery found in the turmoil of the trenches.

I may not have graduated high school on time, but I did finish and get a diploma.  I may not have achieved the Eagle Scout rank, but I did perform a lot of service to earn the BSA’s second-highest rank.  I may have almost quit my mission the first week in the field, but I did stay and finish the whole two years despite all the excruciation, tumult, and pain it took to serve others.  A lot of other things I gave up on in my life, but the things I did finish I finished second or last, and I’m proud of these achievements and all the sweat, blood, and mud I got covered in earning them.

The atonement of Jesus Christ is centered on failure and being in second place.  God knew we would have to fall and fail and make charges to the credit card of Jesus’ atonement to learn and grow.  Muscle has to rip before it can be filled in with protein.  My mother was the bravest fighter I’ve ever known, and she faced overwhelming failure and fear with confidence, tenacity, and fury.  She died at age 37 – fighting.  Honor is found in those types of individuals even though to the outside onlooker they may seem like just another one of the seven billion.

I encourage you to keep trying, to not give up.  I know you can make it.  As an accomplished failure and finisher myself, I testify of God’s love for and confidence in you in your current situation.  I know that there are Jesus threads in the blankets you sleep under by night, fingerprints of God on the windows through which the sun shines on your skin by day, and angel arms from heaven that hug you when you are alone and desperate and worried and crying prostrate on the Earth.  Please read this poem and know that first place honor is no honor, but he or she who tries.

The Race
by D.H. Groberg

“Quit!” “Give up, you’re beaten!” they shout at me and plead,
“There’s just too much against you now, this time you can’t succeed.”
And as I started to hang my head in front of failure’s face,
My downward fall is broken by the memory of a race.
And hope refills my weakened will as I recall that scene.
For just the thought of that short race rejuvenates my being.
A children’s race, young boys, young men; now I remember well.
Excitement, sure, but also fear; it wasn’t hard to tell.
They all lined up so full of hope.  Each thought to win the race
Or tie for first, if not that, at least take second place.
And fathers watched from off the side, each cheering for his son,
And each boy hoped to show his dad that he would be the one.
The whistle blew and off they sped, as if they were on fire
To win, to be the hero there, was each boy’s desire.
And one boy in particular, his dad was in the crowd,
Was running near the lead and thought, “My dad will be so proud.”
But as he speeded down the field, across the shallow dip,
The little boy who thought to win lost his step and slipped.
Trying hard to catch himself, his arm flew out to brace,
And ‘mid the laughter of the crowd, he fell flat on his face.
So, down he fell, and with him, hope.  He couldn’t win it now.
Embarrassed, sad, he only wished he’d disappear somehow.
But, as he fell, his dad stood up and showed his anxious face,
Which to the boy so clearly said, “Get up and win the race!”
He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit, that’s all.
And ran with all his mind and might to make up for the fall.
So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win,
His mind went faster than his legs.  He slipped and fell again.
He wished he had quit before with only one disgrace.
“I’m hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn’t try to race.”
But, in the laughing crowd he searched and found his father’s face.
That steady look that said again, “Get up and win the race!”
So, he jumped up to try again, ten yards behind the last;
“If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought, “I’ve got to run real fast!”
Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight or ten,
But trying so hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again.
Defeat!  He lay there silently, a tear dropped from his eye.
“There’s no sense running more.  Three strikes, I’m out...why try?”
The will to rise had disappeared, all hope had fled away.
So far behind, so error-prone, a loser all the way.
“I’ve lost, so what’s the use?” he thought, “I’ll live with my disgrace.”
But, then he thought about his dad, who soon he’d have to face.
“Get up,” an echo sounded low, “Get up and take your place.
You weren’t meant for failure here; get up and win the race.”
With borrowed will, “Get up,” it said, “You haven’t lost at all,
For winning is no more than this – to rise each time you fall.”
So up he rose to win once more.  And with a new commit,
He resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn’t quit.
So far behind the others now, the most he’d ever been.
Still, he gave it all he had, and ran as though to win.
Three times he fallen, stumbling, three times he rose again.
Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end.
They cheered the winning runner, as he crossed the line, first place,
Head high and proud and happy; no falling, no disgrace.
But, when the fallen crossed the finish line, last place,
The crowd gave him the greater cheer for finishing the race.
And even though he came in last, with head bowed low, unproud,
You would have thought he won the race, to listen to the crowd.
And to his dad, he sadly said, “I didn’t do so well.”
“To me you won,” his father said, “You rose each time you fell.”
And now when things seem dark and hard and difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy helps me in my race.
For all of life is like that race, with ups and downs and all.
And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
“Quit!” “Give up, you’re beaten!”  They still shout in my face,
But another voice within me says, “Get up and win the race!"

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The Mormon Examiner
Title:  First Place Honor is No Honor
Author:  Austin Skousen (poem by D.H. Groberg)
Section:  Manna Inspiration Chest
Originally Published:  Monday, August 19th, 2014
Last Updated:  Thursday, September 11th, 2014
Source:  mormonexaminer.blogspot.com