Holland Suicide Over Second Spaulding Manuscript

BREAKING NEWS

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH — Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a senior apostle for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, was found dead in his office Sunday night from an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound, officials said.  "The recently found manuscript got to him," Elder Dallin H. Oaks told reporters that evening.

Holland was found in a pool of blood in his office at the top floor of the Church Administration Building by an evening janitor.  Police reported finding a nearby Smith & Wesson 500 magnum revolver with the words “Truth and Justice” engraved on the barrel.

Initially, President Boyd K. Packer pointed police in the direction of the janitor, stating, “Our people at the Strengthening Church Members Committee tell us he was recently stripped of his temple recommend by his bishop for a pornography addiction, so he wasn’t even allowed to be in the building anyway, and his credentials were in the process of being revoked” and “whose to say Satan’s power and influence hadn’t already gotten to the employee to perform the unthinkable.”  Packer’s comments were rebuked by the First Presidency and stripped from the record.

The employee, 57-year-old undocumented Mexican national Jose Alvarez, was quickly cleared of all charges once it was discovered that there was no evidence linking Alvarez to the gun or the crime scene.  He is scheduled to be deported Wednesday.  “We didn’t know he was undocumented,” said Church spokesman G. Joseph McKay.  “We believe in following the laws of the land, as Joseph Smith taught, and so we in no way endorse illegal immigration by providing jobs, temple recommends, college education, or leadership callings to them.”  This statement has been challenged by several right-wing militia groups Elder Oaks attempted to quell a couple years ago at a regional, Utah County stake conference.

Elder Holland’s family is understandably distraught, and a funeral is scheduled to be held at the UCCU Center at Utah Valley University, of which his son is president.

This is the latest occurrence stemming from the recent Spaulding manuscript scandal.  Last week prominent Mormon historian D. Michael Quinn uncovered the long lost second manuscript from Solomon Spaulding in an attic chest of an abandoned, New York farmhouse.  The document has long been sought after since the 1830s by those convinced the origins of Joseph Smith’s Book of Mormon were less-than-inspired.

Second-in-line President Boyd K. Packer, responsible for excommunicating Quinn in 1993, ordered Church officials to quickly and quietly purchase the manuscript with $1.2 million of “sacred tithing funds destined to spread faith promoting history and to shield members from gospel meat that will harm their precious testimony of Jesus Christ as restored by the Prophet Joseph Smith,” he said according to Harper’s Magazine.

After the document’s acquisition a couple months ago, President Packer “personally accompanied the manuscript to the lowest basement of one of the most secure sections of the granite vault facility,” said an anonymous source not authorized to speak on the matter.  Shortly afterward, Quinn accounted the transaction and the existence of the said manuscript during a press conference with several Salt Lake Valley media outlets, causing great alarm to Utah residents and Mormon newsreaders worldwide.

Packer responded in a now-infamous statement similar to Howard Dean’s 2004 Presidential Campaign’s “Dean Scream”:  “The manuscript doesn’t exist.  These gay intellectuals are always out to harm the Church and they’re the biggest threat.  Not all truth is useful and even if it was a true document, the Church would still be true.  NOT ONLY ARE WE GOING TO NEW HAMPSHIRE, MICHAEL QUINN, WE’RE GOING TO SOUTH CAROLINA AND OKLAHOMA AND ARIZONA AND NORTH DAKOTA AND NEW MEXICO, AND WE’RE GOING TO CALIFORNIA AND TEXAS AND NEW YORK....  AND WE’RE GOING TO SOUTH DAKOTA AND OREGON AND WASHINGTON AND MICHIGAN, AND THEN WE’RE GOING TO WASHINGTON, D.C., TO TAKE BACK THE TRUTH!  YEEAAAHHH!”

Later, after this outburst, the document was forced to be unearthed from the vaults, and Packer’s story evolved:  “Forget everything I said before; that was all based on lesser light and knowledge.  The manuscript does exist, but it is surely a forgery as was Hoffmann’s fun little paper airplane games.  In fact, I have convincing evidence that Hoffmann and Quinn were the gay individuals arrested by BYU Police in Provo Canyon decades ago that caused all that stir, and surely they are the ones who concocted this forgery.  I have good sources that say they haven’t even paid their taxes in ten years.”

More information will be made available as it becomes known.

The above article is satire; most or all of the events and quotations are fictitious.

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The Mormon Examiner

Title:  Holland Suicide Over Second Spaulding Manuscript

Author:  Austin Skousen

Section:  Beehive Comedy Vault

Originally Published:  Monday, August 19th, 2014

Last Updated: September 11th, 2014

Source:  mormonexaminer.blogspot.com