LDS Church "Fixers" Arrested at USU

LOGAN, UTAH – In a growing scandal starting to be called LoganGate, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has become defensive over recent accusations that so-called “fixers” arrested at Utah State University were connected to LDS authorities.

USU Police dispatch received a call at 3:02 a.m. Thursday from a part-time, African-American security guard who said an exterior lock had been tampered with after repeated examination.  When police responded and searched the campus, they found and arrested five men who had broken into the office of John Dehlin, a USU employee.

Further investigation revealed that the men may have been connected to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Police found security keycards to Mormon Church Headquarters, temple recommends, and a printed e-mail signed by Boyd K. Packer, president of the LDS Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.

The e-mail read, in part:  “The Lord has unwritten rules of conduct that must be followed with exactness, or one risks eternal damnation.  Mormon Stories Podcast has become the underground railroad of Mormonism, and John Dehlin has been harboring spiritual fugitives on the run from the justice of God and their covenants for some time.  Let me reassure you brethren that you are upholding your temple covenants by exposing these apostates and, in so doing, strengthening the Church."

After initially denying that five suspects were related to LDS Headquarters, Church spokesman J. Hyrum Perry said that “Members of the Strengthening Church Members Committee are only members of the committee when acting as such.”  They, the five suspects, are currently being held on $25,000 bond.

John Dehlin could not immediately be reached for comment.

The above article is satire; all or most of the events and quotations are fictitious.

--

The Mormon Examiner

Title:  LDS Church “Fixers” Arrested at USU

Author:  Austin Skousen

Section:  Beehive Comedy Vault

Originally Published:  Thursday, September 11th, 2014

Last Updated:  Thursday, September 11th, 2014

Source:  mormonexaminer.blogspot.com