In response to the article " Praise to the man even with 40 wives and teenage brides"
I grew up in the Church. I lived in Utah and was baptized at age 8. Both sides of my family were active, Latter-day Saint familes. I attended church weekly for as long as I can remember. When my grandparents were in Japan, my mom was ill, and it was the off weekend for my dad (part custody) I rode my bicycle to church by myself as a child. In the homes I grew up in we read scriptures often, prayed often, watched general conference semiannualy, read the Ensign, and believed wholeheartedly in the principles, doctrines, and events of the Restoration. I wad ordained to the Aaronic Priesthood. I attended mutual, participated in young men's and Scouting, and was regularly tutored and taught by leaders. I attended Sunday school weekly. I collected fast offerings with the deacons, teachers, and priests monthly. As I grew older, I attended seminary. Two teachers made me co-president of their classes. I paid tithing and fast offerings faithfully. I read the scriptures and prayed often. I fasted almost monthly. My testimony burned within me. I was the first assistant in my priest's quorum. I graduated seminary with a four-year diploma. I read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover. I was ordained to the Melchizedek Priesthood. I attended Institute weekly and also attended missionary and temple preparation classes. I was endowed in the Salt Lake Temple. I was called as a missionary and set apart. Then I was trained in the MTC. Off I went for my mission. And yet, after all this extraordinary and faithful preparation, I learned the following fundamental aspects of Mormonism on my mission:
1. The RLDS Church exists.
2. Emma Smith was lifelong RLDS.
3. Joseph Smith was survived by his eldest son who founded the RLDS Church.
4. Joseph Smith was smuggled a gun in Carthage Jail and shot at attackers.
5. Joseph issued a Masonic distress call before being killed.
6. Joseph was a Master Mason. What's that.
7. The Book of Mormon has undergone changes more than spelling, versification, and punctuation.
8. Many Mormons sincerely believe God and Mary had sexual relations to bring about the baby Jesus.
9. Gays are born gay.
10. The temple endowment used to include blood oaths and require women to be more submissive.
11. The endowment used to include a covenant to avenge the death of Joseph Smith.
12. Joseph did not transmit the Book of Mormon from gold plates as depicted in Preach My Gospel. He used a stone in a hat.
Not to mention, I didn't even learn that Emma was not Joseph's only wife until listening to Mormon Stories Podcast two years after my mission. The Restoration video I had shown investigators clearly depicts Emma being Joseph's only wife.
All this begs the question (in response to the article "Praise to the man even with 40 wives and teenage brides"): How was this information not hidden from me before I was commissioned to go out and convert people?
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
How Guilty is Pontius Pilate?
Throughout history many fingers have been pointed at
Pontius Pilate, the Roman governor who had jurisdiction over Jerusalem when
Jesus was brought before him.
Pilate condemned Jesus to death via crucifixion, satisfying the demands
of the Jewish Sanhedrin and consummating the Ultimate Betrayal by Judas
Iscariot.
With regard to Pilate, Mormon apostle Jeffrey R. Holland
reflected the tone of how many feel about the man:
“With that He was brought before the gentile rulers in
the land. Herod Antipas, the
tetrarch of Galilee, interrogated Him once, and Pontius Pilate, the Roman
governor in Judea, did so twice, the second time declaring to the crowd, ‘I,
having examined him before you, have found no fault in this man.’ Then, in an act as unconscionable as it
was illogical, Pilate ‘scourged Jesus, [and] delivered him to be crucified.’ Pilate’s freshly washed hands could not
have been more stained or more unclean.”
Can you imagine how Pilate must feel today? Knowing that during his time on Earth
he authorized the execution of God’s only son?
--
Around the time of Jesus’ birth, Jews were expecting the
long-prophesied Messiah. They
believed he would come with fanfare and great glory to militarily redeem them
from their physical bondage to the Roman Empire. What they were not expecting was the Messiah to be born
humbly in a cave, to stay relatively silent until the age of a rabbi, to preach
new and unknown doctrines, and to, instead, redeem them and all mankind from
their spiritual bondage to the Fall of Adam.
When Jesus reached the rabbi’s age of 30, he began his
ministry. His doctrines were often
unheard of, identified the hypocrisy of Jewish leaders, and in many ways
contradicted the Law of Moses. As
such Jesus was met with fierce opposition from establishment teachers and
incumbent leaders who felt threatened by his popularity and miracles among
Jews. Even members of the
Sanhedrin who agreed with him were afraid to voice their support for fear of
retaliation by their peers, as seen by Nicodemus approaching the Savior at
night.
Ultimately high-ranking elements within Jewish
leadership conspired to assassinate Jesus. Fearing an uprising among the people, they sought to carry
out their plans as quickly and quietly as possible. Their scouts stalked and observed the Savior while he would
minister in Jerusalem, waiting for him to be alone so he could be
snatched. This opportunity never
arose, but they were given a much-needed break when Jesus’ apostle Judas walked
in and offered up his Master’s solitary location in exchange for 30 pieces of
silver.
Marching alongside the constables to serve Jesus’ arrest
warrant, Judas gave Jesus the world’s most famous kiss. Jesus, just after bleeding from every
pore in the Garden of Gethsemane, was then arrested and immediately made a
defendant in a series of illegal proceedings before the Jewish high court. Mormon apostle James E. Talmage lists
more than a dozen illegalities of these proceedings in his book Jesus the
Christ. By morning Jesus was ironically
convicted of blasphemy by the Sanhedrin, Jewry’s highest crime in Jewry’s
highest court, and judged worthy of death.
Unfortunately for them, the Jewish government was not
authorized to perform their own executions without permission from the Roman
governor, Pontius Pilate. And so a
large parade of Jewish rabbis marched Jesus down to Pilate’s courtyard without
delay as Roman guards watched in awe at the approaching crowd. Pilate was awoken and brought to the
courtyard wondering what kind of Jerry Springer drama he would have to deal
with that day. To his surprise,
the crowd was filled with high-ranking Jewish officials trying to kill one of
their own – and not through the usual Jewish stoning, but through the brutal
Roman method of crucifixion.
Superstitious, bold, and politically motivated, the
enthroned Pilate, not willing to simply rubber-stamp a bunch of angry rabbis’
request, brought Jesus in for an interview. As the bound Jesus was brought before the governor in his
chambers, Pilate was immediately stimulated by the Messiah’s presence and
Pilate sensed a type of superstitious holiness in the prisoner he had not
before encountered. Pilate began
to deeply contemplate and attempt to discern whom he was talking to and started
asking questions. When Jesus
admitted that he was in fact a king, Pilate presented to the crowd that he
found no fault in Jesus and that he was innocent, acting as sort of an advocate
for what he saw as a lamb that they wanted slaughtered.
The crowd rejected Pilate’s information and chanted all
the louder that they wanted Jesus dead.
Having a conscious, and feeling superstitious about this unusual person,
Pilate did not want to condemn an innocent man to death, particularly a
peculiar king. However, being
politically motivated and barbed by a shady past, he also did not want to
simply acquit Jesus and, in so doing, enrage a large portion of his
subjects. And so he devised a plan
to get the best of both worlds:
Jesus set free and the Jewish rabbis binkied (pacified). He proposed to the crowd which of the
two they would rather have released, according to yearly Jewish custom, Barabas
(a notorious criminal convicted of the most heinous of crimes) or Jesus (the
sinless Savior of mankind).
Without hesitation, however, the hate-filled crowd chanted Barabas.
Defeated, Pontius Pilate took the low road and condemned
Jesus to death as requested. Had
he taken the high road, Jesus would have been acquitted and crucified through
other means, as prophesied. Even
Jesus said that Pilate was powerless to change the course of the prophesied
events. Pilate would have lost his
governorship due to blackmail the Jews had on their governor that they would
have reported to his superiors in the Roman government had he acquitted Jesus. Essentially, Pilate took the slime ball
politician route to save face and signed off on the crucifixion of his Lord, a
sinless man, an eyebrow raise considering Pilate’s wife warned him to acquit
Jesus due to a dream she had.
The people involved in the execution of the Lord Jesus
Christ will stand judgment.
Ironically, Jesus will be the judge at these trials. In the case of Judas Iscariot, the
members of the Sanhedrin who were active in Jesus’ prosecution, the false
witnesses they found to testify against their Lord, the idle supporters of
Jesus in the court who stayed silent rather than defend him – they have the
most blame. In the case of Pontius
Pilate, he simply woke up one afternoon to a situation and made a disastrous
decision based on politics and cowardice to crucify an innocent man whom he
even had inklings was divine.
It is my opinion that Pilate receives the lesser
condemnation for his actions but actually receives the brunt of criticism from
Christians. He is not deserving of
the brunt. After all, a chain of
events and people led to the crucifixion of the Savior, and Pilate is one of
the lesser links. A lot of people
in modern time would crucify the Savior if they were in Pilate’s position. Only select individuals take the high
road in such high-pressured, ethically challenged situations.
Jesus is a hero for his consecration to humankind. He came as a gift from God and was
rejected by his own people. Let us
kneel with Jesus in our own lives as he knelt with us in Gethsemane, let us walk
with him as he walked with us on the road to Calvary, and let us worship him as
he was crucified for us on Golgotha.
--
The
Mormon Examiner
Title:
How Guilty is Pontius Pilate?
Author:
Austin Skousen
Section:
Talmage Analytical Library
Originally
Published: September 16th, 2014
Last
Updated: September 16th, 2014
Source: mormonexaminer.blogspot.com
Monday, September 15, 2014
Jesus Issued Requirements for His Salvation
Paul unequivocally stated that we are saved by grace
alone. He even explicitly excluded
works from the equation. His
epistles in the New Testament of the KJV are clear and virtually undisputable
in this matter. He should have
written the American Constitution.
As a Mormon missionary, I had been taught my whole life
that we, as children of God, have to follow commandments to qualify for
exaltation. The principle of
acting in accordance with God’s will to earn his blessings, salvation, and
exaltation was second nature to me.
Prior to serving a mission, however, I was warned that I would encounter
people who believe differently in this particular, namely that God’s or Jesus’
grace exclusively saves us rather than any supplemental action on our part.
Through the years teachers from seminary, institute,
Sunday school, and the MTC lightly prepared me and my comrades for a variety of
fronts we would have to man when defending Mormon ways. One of these fronts was the grace vs.
works argument, but the instruction was insufficient. You see, they had not prepared us for the fact that Paul did say in canonized scripture that
the works argument is invalid.
Trying to diffuse Paul’s persuasions through syntax is ineffective since
he was so clear and since orthodox Latter-day Saints believe in the
infallibility of an apostle.
There is only one interpretation of his sayings: what he said. Baptists and other mainstream Christians know this and
follow “the word of God” through scripture. Can you blame them?
Therefore, the only way to diffuse Paul’s argument is: he was wrong. But then you also unwittingly introduce the concept of the
fallibility of the Bible – to mainstream Christians, the fallibility of all scripture. This is dangerous unorthodoxy to them
and they will almost always reject the notion.
-- (Quentin Tarantino throwback)
To be honest, this is an important topic, one that is
relevant to all Christian doctrines, discussions, and practices. This topic forms the basis for entire
segments of a Christian denomination, arches and load-bearing beams of an
entire religious masterpiece.
Cornerstones and foundational bricks and J-bolts are warranted from which
side the grace vs. works argument upon which a Christian sect is founded.
So we must get to the answer. And that’s all there is to it. For the devout, we have to know how to apply the life of
Jesus Christ to our personal lives – his teachings, his example, and ultimately his
atonement form the flame of hope in our hearts of the hereafter. The Christian bank accounts of eternity
– laying up treasures in heaven – are made in the name of Jesus. This topic affects lives and destinies
for one-third of the world. Are
you awake yet?
-- (Where were we?)
In the mission field, anti-Mormon attacks are
commonplace. Some of the lighter
and more jovial inquiries, “Don’t Mormons have horns?” and some of the more
serious: “Where are the gold
plates, anyway?” In the end, a
Mormon missionary becomes acquainted with, pretty much, the globe of Mormon
thought. It pops the bubble of
Utah Mormonism. Such was the same
for me – the first half of my mission, that is.
This first half was spent in southern Wisconsin: from Sun Prairie and Beaver Dam to Lake
Mills and then to Greendale. Then,
after an incident involving my companion and me sneaking into our mission
president’s office to prematurely discover our new transfer destinations and
companions – and getting caught – I was banished to the UP. We joke about that, but honestly I see
God’s hand in the move. Thus
started the second half of my mission.
The UP is short for the upper peninsula of Michigan, the
northern quadrant of our mission.
There the people were different.
The general population was unusually kind. People who weren’t interested in the LDS Church would often
invite us in for dinner. We
developed more community connections in that area than I had ever experienced
due to Michiganders’ general hospitality.
Another unique aspect of that area was the high number
of anti-Mormon Baptists. It was
there, due to the frank members of the Church, the extraordinarily inquisitive
“investigators,” and some out-of-the-ordinary personal and companionship
studies that I later attributed to my disaffection from the Church.
Some knowledge there that I developed and focused,
though, I was never able to let go, even through this period. Knowledge, that is, based on the grace
vs. works argument, namely that Jesus issued requirements for his
salvation. Even though I question
fundamental aspects of Mormonism today, I still believe we have to do things –
have to become – in order to be awarded a place in heaven.
Due to a course of interesting events, my companion and I ended up in the middle of nowhere at a college full of people our age. This was highly unusual due to the fact that Iron Mountain and Kingsford, Michigan, particularly the Iron Mountain Branch of the Church in the Green Bay Stake, was full of folks on the edge of mortality. To give you an idea, there’s a VA hospital there.
Dunbar, Wisconsin, about 25 miles south of there, is
literally the clankiest clank town anyone has ever seen. You drive for 30 seconds and you’ve
gone through it. Several miles
outside of Dunbar is a big college (for the area), containing thousands of
young adults learning to be Baptist ministers. This college is called Northlands International University.
We were shocked to drive down this road, Book of Mormon
referral in hand, remote farmhouses on the right and, suddenly, campus housing
and swing sets on the left.
Eventually we made our way into the campus, wiped the sweat off our
foreheads as we passed signage that said, “Northlands International University,
a Baptist Bible college,” passed the security checkpoint containing two hardly
threatening, pretty broads – as Mormon missionaries – and, amidst hundreds of
peaking eyeballs, used our acquired people skills to track down an individual
who had requested a Book of Mormon from mormon.org.
This began a series of meetings in the commons
area. Each meeting grew a person
bigger, the key players inviting backup due to our strong arguments and
tenacious attitudes. After all,
this was their home turf; they couldn’t afford to be beaten. Especially when there’s nothing to do
except have sex (gasp!) and drive to Kingsford on the weekends to see a movie.
What started as what seemed like a genuine interest on
our investigator’s part progressively evolved into a “You guys are wrong, you
need to renounce Mormonism” kind of thing, “Your conversion was based on
‘feelings,’” and “This Joseph Smith guy, kind of a shady character – you really
expect us to believe he was a prophet?”
Of course that’s in my vernacular, but you get the idea.
Highlighted among the doctrinal arm wrestles in which we
engaged was the grace vs. works argument.
At some points we brought a member or two of our own, an old geezer here
or an old geezer there, and they were talking circles around them and us, making us look like dumb
asses, not even knowing how to portray our doctrine.
The Baptist students were going off legitimate Pauline
verses – Bible verses – while we were pretty much going off gospel themes and
theoretical premises from Latter-day Saint scripture and doctrine, as we had
been taught. Sure we did offer a
biblical verse here or there but, to put it plainly, we were getting schooled
because of their superior Bible knowledge.
But, I knew they were wrong, and I set out to prove them
so. At a local member’s house in
Kingsford, we asked if we could borrow their copy of Strong’s Concordance of
the Bible. Using this century-old
tool, my companion and I were able to compile a great list of Bible verses
supporting our argument that works are required to supplement grace should we
be saved in the kingdom of God.
Surprisingly, the strongest of these verses come from Jesus himself.
Essentially, my four-pronged point was:
1. A
concession that Paul does, in fact, discount works and exclusively exalts grace
for salvation.
2. The fact
that Jesus consistently taught about doing things to gain his salvation.
3. The
unfortunate but clear reality that the Bible contradicts itself in this matter.
4. Finally,
who are you going to believe: the
apostle Paul or the Savior Jesus?
This did not sit well with my Baptist friends,
especially the point that the Bible contradicts itself. They tried to focus on that and explain
how the Bible is holy scripture – God’s word – and is infallible. This was an annoying side skirt from
our main point, but one that is important to address because it affects the
Mormons and the Baptists and whoever uses the Bible as their canon.
During companionship studies, my companion Cayce
Stephenson and I compiled a list of scriptures with the help of Strong’s
Concordance of the Bible and LDS study helps found in the quad to support our
works-supplemented salvation requirement.
The basic list is:
Biblical References Showing Necessity of
Good Works
|
||
Sym
|
Reference
|
Summary
|
△R2
|
Psalm
28:3-5
|
Give
them according to their deeds.
|
3CRO
|
Revelation
2:19-23
|
Unto
every one of you according to your works.
|
3R
|
Psalm
62:12
|
Renderest
to every man according to his work.
|
4R
|
Romans
2:5-13
|
The
doers of the law shall be justified.
|
4R
|
Ecclesiastes
12:13-14
|
Fear
God and keep his commandments.
|
2R
|
Jeremiah
17:10
|
Give
every man according to his ways.
|
2R
|
Jeremiah
32:19
|
According
to the fruit of his doings.
|
1
|
Micah
6:8
|
Do
justly, love mercy, walk humbly with God.
|
RO3
|
Matthew
5:16
|
Let
your light shine, see your good works.
|
R2O
|
Matthew
7:12
|
Do
unto others as you would have them do to you.
|
R3O
|
Matthew
7:15-20
|
By
their fruits ye shall know them.
|
C4RO
|
Matthew
7:21
|
He
that doeth the will of my Father will enter.
|
4O
|
Matthew
7:24-27
|
Heareth,
doeth, buildeth on the rock.
|
RC3
|
1
Corinthians 3:8-9
|
We
are labourers together with God.
|
O5R
|
Matthew
25:31-46
|
Parable
of the sheep and the goats.
|
△R4O
|
Matthew
25:1-13
|
Parable
of the ten virgins.
|
R4O
|
Matthew
25:14-30
|
Parable
of the talents.
|
R4O
|
John
3:1-5
|
Except
a man be born of water and of the Spirit (Mark 16:16).
|
O4RC
|
John
3:20-21
|
He
that doeth truth cometh to the light.
|
4O
|
John
8:37-42
|
Ye
do the deeds of your father.
|
△2RO
|
John
8:1-11
|
Go
and sin no more.
|
△1
|
John
9:4
|
I
must work the works of him that sent me.
|
4
|
Acts
10:35
|
He
that feareth him and worketh righteousness.
|
3
|
2
Corinthians 5:10
|
Receive
according to things done in body.
|
Sym
|
Legend
Explanation
|
|
△
|
There
is an argument that could be used against this reference.
|
|
C
|
The
context could be used to deconstruct this reference.
|
|
#
|
Represents
the strength of the reference, 1-5.
|
|
O
|
Indicates
there are other verses in the context that could be used to support the
point.
|
|
R
|
Strengthened when used in conjunction with another
principle, such as judgment or commandments.
|
|
Additional references we found after we made this chart
are 1 John 2:1-5, Deuteronomy 11 (a salvation disqualifier based on works),
Matthew 10:32-33 (another disqualifier), Titus 1:16, and Hebrews 5:9.
As you can see, we found a large amount of verses from
authoritative Christian scripture that supports the argument for works in
addition to grace. These
references are found throughout the Old Testament, New Testament, and
especially from the words of Jesus himself who, in my view, overrides the
contradicting statements by his apostle Paul. Mormons usually only use the verses from James that promote
works, which is a good argument, but is questionably adequate ammunition
against the bold statements from Paul.
Jesus is always the safest bet since it’s his gospel we’re talking
about.
The strongest evidence supporting the idea that
supplemental work is required with the grace of Jesus Christ for a place in
heaven is found in the parables of Jesus himself in Matthew 25. In relation to this debate, consider
the Parable of the Sheep and the Goats, as told by the Savior:
Matthew 25
31. When
the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then
shall he sit upon the throne of his glory.
32. And
before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from
another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:
33. And he
shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.
34. Then
shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father,
inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
35. For I
was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I
was a stranger, and ye took me in.
36. Naked,
and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came
unto me.
37. Then
shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and
fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
38. When
saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?
39. Or when
saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
40. And the
King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have
done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
41. Then
shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into
everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
42. For I
was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:
43. I was a
stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in
prison, and ye visited me not.
44. Then
shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or
athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister
unto thee?
45. Then
shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not
to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.
46. And
these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life
eternal.
As you can see, Jesus clearly requires charity toward
the underprivileged for his salvation, a form of work.
Consider Ecclesiastes 12:13-14:
13. Let us
hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments:
for this is the whole duty of man.
14. For God
shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be
good, or whether it be evil.
This Old Testament verse is clear from what Baptists and
other Christians view as authenticated, Holy Scripture. Are we to discount the syntax of this
verse and say it doesn’t mean what it appears to mean? Are we to think that when the Bible
determines the “whole duty of man,” that it doesn’t really carry any weight
along the eternal spectrum since the grace of Jesus will save us whether we
performed this duty or not? Are we
to say that when “God shall bring every work into judgment,” that this judgment
will have no teeth and no eternal consequence in terms of salvation?
Consider Acts 10:35:
35. But in
every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with
him.
This verse is referring to being accepted by God. Are we to imagine that the phrase “accepted
by God” does not imply being saved by God?
Consider the Parable of the Talents, as told be the
Savior himself, in which he proclaims that one must do things with the talents
he is given in order to “enter thou into the joy of thy lord” and that “thou
hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many
things.” And those who did nothing
with the talents given them by the Lord, or who hid them, are forsaken by the
Lord, labeled an unprofitable servant, and cast into outer darkness.
Take the time to read more into the biblical verses that
proclaim works as a necessary supplement to the grace of Jesus Christ for his
salvation. Indeed, Jesus issued
requirements for his salvation.
Paul was simply teaching false doctrine and those who cling to Paul’s
teachings but ignore the Lord’s own admonitions on the subject are being
misled.
--
The Mormon Examiner
Title:
Jesus Issued Requirements for his Salvation
Author:
Austin Skousen with research assistance from Cayce Stephenson
Section:
Talmage Analytical Library
Originally Published: September 15th, 2014
Last Updated: September 15th, 2014
Source:
mormonexaminer.blogspot.com
Thursday, September 11, 2014
LDS Church "Fixers" Arrested at USU
LOGAN,
UTAH – In a growing scandal starting to be called LoganGate, The Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has become defensive over recent accusations
that so-called “fixers” arrested at Utah State University were connected to LDS
authorities.
USU
Police dispatch received a call at 3:02 a.m. Thursday from a part-time,
African-American security guard who said an exterior lock had been tampered
with after repeated examination.
When police responded and searched the campus, they found and arrested five
men who had broken into the office of John Dehlin, a USU employee.
Further
investigation revealed that the men may have been connected to The Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Police found security keycards to Mormon Church Headquarters, temple
recommends, and a printed e-mail signed by Boyd K. Packer, president of the LDS
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.
The
e-mail read, in part: “The Lord
has unwritten rules of conduct that must be followed with exactness, or one
risks eternal damnation. Mormon
Stories Podcast has become the underground railroad of Mormonism, and John
Dehlin has been harboring spiritual fugitives on the run from the justice of
God and their covenants for some time. Let me reassure you brethren that you are upholding your
temple covenants by exposing these apostates and, in so doing, strengthening
the Church."
After
initially denying that five suspects were related to LDS Headquarters, Church
spokesman J. Hyrum Perry said that “Members of the Strengthening Church Members
Committee are only members of the committee when acting as such.” They, the five suspects, are currently
being held on $25,000 bond.
John
Dehlin could not immediately be reached for comment.
The
above article is satire; all or most of the events and quotations are fictitious.
--
The
Mormon Examiner
Title: LDS Church “Fixers” Arrested at USU
Author: Austin Skousen
Section: Beehive Comedy Vault
Originally
Published: Thursday, September
11th, 2014
Last
Updated: Thursday, September 11th,
2014
Source: mormonexaminer.blogspot.com
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Holland Suicide Over Second Spaulding Manuscript
BREAKING
NEWS
SALT
LAKE CITY, UTAH — Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a senior apostle for The
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, was found dead in his office
Sunday night from an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound, officials said. "The
recently found manuscript got to him," Elder Dallin H. Oaks told reporters
that evening.
Holland
was found in a pool of blood in his office at the top floor of the Church
Administration Building by an evening janitor. Police reported finding a
nearby Smith & Wesson 500 magnum revolver with the words “Truth and Justice”
engraved on the barrel.
Initially,
President Boyd K. Packer pointed police in the direction of the janitor,
stating, “Our people at the Strengthening Church Members Committee tell us he
was recently stripped of his temple recommend by his bishop for a pornography
addiction, so he wasn’t even allowed to be in the building anyway, and his
credentials were in the process of being revoked” and “whose to say Satan’s
power and influence hadn’t already gotten to the employee to perform the
unthinkable.” Packer’s comments were rebuked by the First Presidency and
stripped from the record.
The
employee, 57-year-old undocumented Mexican national Jose Alvarez, was quickly
cleared of all charges once it was discovered that there was no evidence
linking Alvarez to the gun or the crime scene. He is scheduled to be
deported Wednesday. “We didn’t know he was undocumented,” said Church
spokesman G. Joseph McKay. “We believe in following the laws of the land,
as Joseph Smith taught, and so we in no way endorse illegal immigration by
providing jobs, temple recommends, college education, or leadership callings to
them.” This statement has been challenged by several right-wing militia
groups Elder Oaks attempted to quell a couple years ago at a regional, Utah
County stake conference.
Elder
Holland’s family is understandably distraught, and a funeral is scheduled to be
held at the UCCU Center at Utah Valley University, of which his son is
president.
This
is the latest occurrence stemming from the recent Spaulding manuscript scandal.
Last week prominent Mormon historian D. Michael Quinn uncovered the long lost
second manuscript from Solomon Spaulding in an attic chest of an abandoned, New
York farmhouse. The document has long been sought after since the 1830s
by those convinced the origins of Joseph Smith’s Book of Mormon were
less-than-inspired.
Second-in-line
President Boyd K. Packer, responsible for excommunicating Quinn in 1993,
ordered Church officials to quickly and quietly purchase the manuscript with
$1.2 million of “sacred tithing funds destined to spread faith promoting
history and to shield members from gospel meat that will harm their precious
testimony of Jesus Christ as restored by the Prophet Joseph Smith,” he said
according to Harper’s Magazine.
After
the document’s acquisition a couple months ago, President Packer “personally
accompanied the manuscript to the lowest basement of one of the most secure
sections of the granite vault facility,” said an anonymous source not
authorized to speak on the matter. Shortly afterward, Quinn accounted the
transaction and the existence of the said manuscript during a press conference
with several Salt Lake Valley media outlets, causing great alarm to Utah
residents and Mormon newsreaders worldwide.
Packer
responded in a now-infamous statement similar to Howard Dean’s 2004
Presidential Campaign’s “Dean Scream”: “The manuscript doesn’t exist.
These gay intellectuals are always out to harm the Church and they’re the
biggest threat. Not all truth is useful and even if it was a true document,
the Church would still be true. NOT ONLY ARE WE GOING TO NEW HAMPSHIRE,
MICHAEL QUINN, WE’RE GOING TO SOUTH CAROLINA AND OKLAHOMA AND ARIZONA AND NORTH
DAKOTA AND NEW MEXICO, AND WE’RE GOING TO CALIFORNIA AND TEXAS AND NEW YORK....
AND WE’RE GOING TO SOUTH DAKOTA AND OREGON AND WASHINGTON AND MICHIGAN, AND
THEN WE’RE GOING TO WASHINGTON, D.C., TO TAKE BACK THE TRUTH! YEEAAAHHH!”
Later,
after this outburst, the document was forced to be unearthed from the vaults,
and Packer’s story evolved: “Forget everything I said before; that was
all based on lesser light and knowledge. The manuscript does exist, but
it is surely a forgery as was Hoffmann’s fun little paper airplane games.
In fact, I have convincing evidence that Hoffmann and Quinn were the gay
individuals arrested by BYU Police in Provo Canyon decades ago that caused all
that stir, and surely they are the ones who concocted this forgery. I
have good sources that say they haven’t even paid their taxes in ten years.”
More
information will be made available as it becomes known.
The
above article is satire; most or all of the events and quotations are
fictitious.
--
The
Mormon Examiner
Title:
Holland Suicide Over Second Spaulding Manuscript
Author:
Austin Skousen
Section:
Beehive Comedy Vault
Originally
Published: Monday, August 19th, 2014
Last
Updated: September 11th, 2014
Source:
mormonexaminer.blogspot.com
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